I'm quitting my 'to-do' list, cold turkey.
Since I wrote that last blog, I felt uncomfortable even making a list, so I haven't. This is not a commitment, mind you, I may make a list tomorrow. "One day at a time", as they say in AA, and 'take it easy'. These are excellent slogans.
The goal here is to try to live closer to God, which, of course, is always the goal. The idea behind this particular exercise is to force me to consult God the way I consult my to-do list. Every time I finish a project and have a choice about what to do next, instead of going to my list, I ask God - what should I do next? What would You like to do next?
I am finding it very stressful: like dancing with no steps and very quiet music.
Things I want to happen every day are not happening, important things, like decluttering. I am trying to convince myself that it is okay, if it needs to happen God will make sure it happens, but I dunno. He might not care enough about decluttering.
I keep having this feeling that I am missing stuff, or wasting time. The grand orchestra of God has not flooded my life yet. Instead is a panicky screech of uselessness: of failure.
I've read that fasting from food is a quick way to find out what drives me. I think for me fasting from 'productivity' is quicker. Old feelings are creeping in. I don't like them.
Okay, the whole idea was to measure success differently. I need to refocus. Success is not being able to recite everything I did. Success is learning to live in step with Jesus, in all my ordinary activity, learning to hear Him better, see Him better: in my house, in my time, in my body, in my relationships. If at the end of the day today I can honestly say that I did experience Him more, heard His music a bit more loudly, danced with Him a few more steps, then I will call today a success.
I need to trust that God actually cares about my family: what we eat, where we live, how we spend our days. He cares about decluttering - not too much, not too little. I need to learn to listen. He cares about these things, and will take care of them, but He is probably also doing something bigger, so sometimes my little things may get missed and I have to trust that He knows what He is doing.
In case anyone is still reading this, I hope you understand that I am not saying list-making is evil. It is only that I sense God is asking me to take a break for awhile, and learn something new. That's all. No moral lesson here. No generalizing. No judgment.
I'm just trying to hear the music of God above the clamour of my own insecurity.
Friday, March 27, 2009
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2 comments:
This reminds me a little of what happens when there is a new baby in the house, or a person nearing the other end of life, when all that matters is being with them, meeting their needs, and moving in sync with their rhythm.
Suddenly, many other things cease to matter as much. It's not that we don't try to fit in the grocery shopping, but that it all gets done with reference to the dear needy one. Everything orients itself to revolve around that new centre of life.
It is spiritually healthy, I think, to have an occasional crisis which defeats the tyranny of the schedule, and reminds us where the centre point of life is to be. But it's not easy to do it by choice, as you are trying to do.
Do you think this need is part of why God instituted the feast of Tabernacles? "All right, everybody out of the house, away from your plans and out to the back yard for the week!"
But, of course, even if you have given up the to-do list, you still are going to write blog entries, aren't you? ;o)
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