Being me

Yesterday I was out on the trail again, overlooking the valley - which is finally soft and green - and I was talking with God about this blog, telling Him how much I miss it, and how I feel happier when I am writing - more alive - more in touch with Him. As I stood there the wind blew strong against me, and I had a memory.


Years ago, I was reading "Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire", by Jim Cymbala. I was sitting on our deck, with my back to the fence-rail. I was reading about people whose lives had been wonderfully changed by God's work, and I put down the book and just prayed, "God, I wish You would do that for me. I don't care whether you change my past, or heal my past, or what - but I wish You would heal me of the consequences of my past."


Now, you have to know that our deck backs right up against our neighbour's garage wall, so I had by back against a 5 foot high fence, behind which was a very small, grassy, corridor - maybe 4 feet wide - and behind that a full wall. And it was a still, breezeless day.


I prayed that prayer and suddenly a strong wind blew from behind me, I felt it blowing my hair forward and pushing against the back of my neck, and as I wondered about where such a wind could come from, it was as if I could see a dark mist coming out of me and swirling away in the wind. The wind carried it right away, and I knew that I had been healed.


Over the next days and weeks I could tell that there had truly been a change. Things that used to bother me were just no problem now. So much of my self-doubt and negative self-talk went away that day and never returned.


So, yesterday as I stood there on the ridge and felt the wind blowing strong against me, it reminded me of that day years ago. I realized that one reason I don't write in here - or anywhere - is that I listen to negative messages: I am too analytical, too obtuse, too complex, too self-absorbed, or else too fluffy, too inane, too ... foofee.

Another time I was denegrading myself for not keeping our yard prettier. I don't like gardening, and I was whining to some friends about how I almost dislike summer because I feel so guilty about not gardening. The man, Randy, look straight at me and said, "Lorrie, just let it go." I didn't even really understand what he was saying. He had to explain that I needed to let go of the guilt. It's okay to not like gardening, and my yard doesn't have to be pretty. Let it go.

Somehow, that freed me. I haven't worried about it since. I don't like gardening and it shows in my yard. I am okay with that.

I think God is showing me that now I need to let go of the negative messages about my writing and just be who I am. It's okay to be me, even if I am self-absorbed, overly analytical, or obtuse.

Who knows, maybe if I am honest, and just be who I am, God will change me, and we can all watch.